Hmmm… how, within the confines of a blog post, do I even begin to describe how this recession has changed the way I live? With our family fast approaching the one-year mark with no income, the changes are innumerable. I guess I could name a few of the many things we’ve chosen to forego. I’d have to be selective, though, because our list of “do withouts” is enormous. There are items on that list some would consider extravagances (vacations, firewood this winter, cable movie channels, dinners out and such), but it’s the simpler, more basic things I find harder to do without: much-needed household repairs and improvements, replacing broken home goods, entertaining our friends, a sports program or summer camp for the kids… stuff like that.
One rather basic thing we’re doing without is presents for one another. My heart broke a little not giving my older son much of anything for his birthday this year. He was such a good sport about it, though, trying his best to look excited about the birthday poster I made and the couple of little items we scrounged together for him. I still wish we could have given him a gift to make him feel more special.
My immediate family notwithstanding, gift-giving occasions in GENERAL are cause for angst nowadays. And there’s no lack of these events on our calendar: bridal and baby showers, weddings, Christenings, birthdays, and (perhaps the most frequent event) kids’ birthday parties.
Boy do I feel torn about kid birthday parties. I wonder, “Am I wrong to feel resentful about spending money on someone ELSE’S kid when we’re not even buying for our OWN?” I feel guilty not wanting to buy presents for others… and cheap when I spend less than I otherwise would have. However, when we have no income and aren’t even buying gifts for each other, it’s painful spending money on those outside our immediate family. A fear of being judged sometimes pushes me into buying a customary gift. Other times, I do it because I just want to feel NORMAL again.
The reality is, gift-giving holidays and events are a regular part of life, so this dilemma will come up again and again. As will the dilemma of social invitations for my two boys… things like movies, mini-golf, bowling, ice skating, etc. Telling my sons they can’t go with their friends to these events because “we can’t afford it right now” is another change brought about by the recession. I feel proud – yet at the same time sad – when my kids tell me, “But I can pay for it… I have birthday money saved. Pleeease?” Oy! What do I say to that? Um, “We can’t afford for you to do that right now, son, but if you use YOUR money, I guess it’s OK.”??? That just feels wrong, and yet it’s one way to allow our kids to participate with their buddies and to feel “normal” again.
Previously, keeping up with household repairs was another “normal” for us… but this recession and unemployment thing has changed that too. Having anything break or get worn out is a significant cause for concern these days. When things go wrong, knowing we can’t afford to do anything about is worrisome. I wish we could fix our pot-hole riddled driveway, our frayed and stained carpets, the cracks in the walls and molding, the old leaky fridge, broken light fixtures and unfinished drywall patches, etc. When friends are keeping up on THEIR household repairs and home improvement projects, the condition of our home feels… well, embarrassing. Especially after I see a friend’s newly-remodeled basement/bathroom/foyer, or their new furniture set or home entertainment system.
Having conversations about those purchases and renovations is also tougher these days. In fact, this recession has very much changed what I enjoy talking about with friends. For obvious reasons, discussing everyone’s home improvement projects, recent vacations, clothing or shoe purchases, and restaurant “finds” is not as easy or enjoyable as it used to be. I try hard to listen with interest and enthusiasm when that is the chosen subject matter. But, oftentimes, what I’m feeling in those moments is more a mix of envy and loss than delight .
My social activities with friends have also changed since the recession. Obviously, movies, dinners and drinks out are all but eliminated. But, previous to this recession, I was actually quite the social coordinator, frequently planning group events with friends and their families. We are lucky to have a wonderful local arena and I would routinely arrange for groups of friends to attend fun events like Disney on Ice, American Idols Live, bull riding, monster truck shows, motocross racing, and more. Now, however, I have pretty much ceased my role as event coordinator… I very much miss planning these outings and attending them with my family & friends.
Well, I could go on and on about how this recession has changed the way we live, but this post is already WAY too long. I guess I’ll just finish by telling you that I’m simply scared more now than I used to be… scared and worried about what the future holds for us. Each month without an income that fear and worry grows a little bit bigger.
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Cathy, thanks for sharing. I think I speak for eveyone on this blog when I say your story pulls on my heart strings. I am wishing you all the best and hopes for new employment. It sounds really hard especially the part about saying no to the kids. Hang in there!
It was amazingly brave of you to post this. *hugs* As Sally said, I wish you only the best – and that things fall into place for you!
Cathy–thanks so much for sharing your experiences and feelings on this. It was such a powerful post. I can only imagine how many times a day you are reminded of another “loss” and salute you for your creativity and can-do attitude in finding different ways to experience joy in your days. I have a lot of these exact same feelings, and always remind myself that just by living in a country that has electricity, toilets and clean running water in my home I can count myself “rich” by many global standards–which somehow puts it all back in perspective and helps me go forward with a smile.
Cathy, I echo the sentiments above and hope that this tough period ends soon. Thanks for sharing – this really impacted me and I’m thinking of you and your family!